When there's upside, there's always the downside

Well, how long have I not been in a committed relationship?

Too long.

(well nearly about two years now)

Anyways, the days when making love just for fun have gone. I figured, when I am with someone, I always keep myself 'clean' as in, i always have the need to make good impressions to the certain girl. Like keeping myself neat (and my room), I feel I have something to look forward when I wake up every morning. Where as in the last couple of years, I have been concentrating on school, now that Uni life is much more flexible, I thought it may be good to be involved in a relationship again. I also figured now all my close friends have their own path, I thought, will I feel lonely on my own path?

Sounds good? it does too. But who? where? why? how?, ok Ignore the middle two, who and how are more like the questions.

Well I HAVE been building something. But just about 24 hours ago, I felt, I have been crushed. The girl that i've been 'working on' simply said, No.

Started off with taking her out to the movie (and paid for her, as i am a gentleman) and ditching studying time and assignments and take her to the melbourne show 07. Back then after that, i thought, well maybe there's actually nothing, so she kinda left my mind for a couple of months. So, just recently I got my hopes up. I was planning to buy toga stuff on a nice sunny saturday afternoon when she said she wanted to go with me, but cant go on the same day. I said OK!

Because she doesnt know where to get the stuff, I gladly took her, she said how about thursday next week?
Urm, okay, thursday i had a plan, to pay for my semester fee and make copies from textbook for Politics subject.

So we met up, and cool, Toro and Kaori came along too, well i guess this is going pretty well. We got the stuff, pretty much matching colour for us 4 (so we could stand out). We went back to Toro's and we tried out on designing the Toga etc. I designed her (and she couldnt stay still and complained now and then)

But the goodside when we were fooling around most of the time, like, splashing water on each other when we were washing the dishes, chucking stress ball at each other, tackling each other etc. So I thought, hey there must be something between us, maybe its still there after long gone.

But at the party, only a few people talked to her with me mainly the one that try to make conversation with her. Say, i tried hard to make her like me. We had our own corner, Toro and Kaori has their own. One time I asked, So, nothing still? she shook her head.
Later on, still nothing.......Whatever, i tried to make her like me but didnt work ok, it may sound wrong to you but whatever.

So we had our own deep conversation at one point of the party, I asked, if she remember all the things that we did, she said Yes.
All the things that I've done for you?
All the sacrifice that I made?
Do you appreciate those?

Still nothing, so then I said, well if there's nothing, I dont know what else to do, and might aswell do nothing at all. I felt like i've wasted my time on you really.

...













She was going home:
She said as I walked pass her "I'm going home"
I replied without even looking at her. "Ok goodbye" and continued walking.


Kaori (her bestfriend) said, maybe you should take things slowly, she has never been with anyone before.

Honestly, I dont know how to go any slower, we've know each other for quite long now.

Maybe I should just give up on her for good. But I'm not the type of person who give up halfway on something I've been working on.

Even if I do, where to after?



(I could be a bachelor for life, like, like...Isaac Newton? Da Vinci (though he was/is rumoured to be a crossdresser) um, Heath Ledger was never married apparently, but he's dead


I'm gonna listen to more Air Supply's All out of love, and go hide under me blanky.